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09 December 2008 @ 11:32 pm
I want to SCREAM. i want to shout. i want to stand up on the outside and push. i want punch. i want to fight. i want to be noticed for who i am and not who you want me to be. i want to be aggressive. I want to be assertive. i want people to RESPECT me for who i am and the things i have done. period.
21 October 2008 @ 01:01 am
Okay heres the thing save the mother fucking drama for your mama i am done with all this shit i am friends with a lot of people And i am sorry i hurt people about that i never meant to. But, my friends are my friends for reasons becuase every single one of yall have different qualities and thats what i love about yall. But, this shit that keeps happening is annoying the shit out of me i love one girl and you know who you are i am not going to put you in this bulletin NO NAMES but really guys stop the drama just enjoy life becauase you never know what will happen tommorow or the next day. LIVE YOU LIFE LIKE TODAY IS THE LAST DAY. Because if you dont there will be drama like there is going on right now. I LOVE MY ATL. FRIENDS and they are my family and always will be but seriously ITS A TATTOO YALL friends get those together and i understand that certian people dont like the other ones but that doesnt mean me or other people cant hang out with i dont talk shit about anyone i say it to each one of yalls face. I just want everything back to the way it was but i am not stop being friends with anyone of yall for the mear fact i would never ask yall to do that so i ask the same from yall because in the end all i want is TRUE FRIENDS which i think i have just stop talking shit about one another and forgive and forget i am sure everyone knows how to do that. So just do it because i am sure you all have done shity things in your past but its not about your past or mine its about your furture so FORGIVE AND FORGET. AND I DO FORGIVE YOU BY THE WAY. I am just so over this i just want everyone to get along PEACE YALL its drama free zone. So if you know your going to bring drama on friday and if your my friend you know where do not and i repeat dont even bother coming i want all yall up there because i love you guys so fuckinh much.
But, everyone just seems to focus on the fact that oh well she hates her so we have to too, thats goes for nobody in paticular its for evryone yall are gay no more drama lesbiens no more pleaz DAMN SORRY I AM GLAD THAT BOOK IS OVER WITH GOODNIGHT
05 October 2007 @ 11:16 pm
Lonely and Rejected

So I have been crying alot, right nothing new for me. I wanna be this strong person and pretend that nothing bothers me when it seems that everything hits me down to the core. No one is going to be able to read this but I really just need to get my feelings out. I wish i wasn't depressed. I wish that i could be this happy go lucky girl. Thursday night i was bawling my eyes out and in the mist of all the sadness i felt happy because I had my two best friends there supporting me. But then there are nights like this where my so called best friend just doesn't care. I mean I honestly pick the worse people to hang out with because it seems they always just don't seem to care. but i mean at least she called and let me know this time. I guess i can say that. I am so lonely i feel sick to my stomach constantly being around couples. And it makes me so angry that some people treat there girls like complete shit and I would treat my girl so good, but I don't have a girl to treat good. so there goes my weekend. I can't go anywhere because I don't have a license, holly is gone all weekend and well yea. Frankly i don't know what to do anymore. I really don't I have such extreme highs and lows it scares me. All I want to do is sleep and make everything go away. See the thing is I love who I am, i think i am funny and fun to be with. I know i can be bitchy, I know i can be rash, and I know i can be selfish, but I also know that I am loyal and will drop anything to be there for a friend. I know that gets me in trouble a lot. I just don't know why others can't see the beauty within me. Loneliness has complete encompassed me and i hate it. But its hard having that support for so long and then losing it. For a year and 7 months it was Melissa, for the summer it was Jillian, Melissa just not there for me. She got her own girl friend and I am happy for her but god you know it sucks because I feel like there isn't anyone to go to. I have Kinley now and she is just so easy to talk to. I am glad that I have found her even though it takes me a while to trust her completely. I mean i dont know what to do about Kate. I want to trust her but I am so scared. I dont know why she proven to be a good listener and not to judge me. but i knwo if i trust her to much she is going to hurt me. Not intentionally. I tell holly stuff but its not the same. I can't curl up in Holys arms and cry when i need to. And as always I am here for Kelly when she needs me but when I need her she is always to busy to talk. I wish i was strong enough person to be alone. I wish I didn't have to depend on other people. Unfortunately I am not, but thats me and I can't really change no matter how much I hurt on the inside. I think more than anyone I cause myself the most pain. Maybe I deserve it. I just want to be accepted, I just want to be loved, I just want someone to be there when they say they are going to be there. I I I... I just wanna stop crying. I wanna stop being so fucking depressed. Doesn't .look like that is going to happen anytime soon. I try to be happy. I mean I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I just want others to be happy around me. I try to pretend nothing is bothering me when I am dying on the outside. I thought things would be different with college. That i would meet people who wouldn't ditch me you know. I feel like my whole life I have been ditched repeatively by people. A trend. I want it to stop. I want to be one of those people, you can't ditch, but i'm not nor will i ever be. Who knows anymore what life will bring. I am just tired of reverting back to these depressing emotions the ones that I can't help but have. The ones that i wish over and over that they would go away. I try to look optimistically on life, but that is hard to do when no one wants to be around you. I feel like a person with the plague. Don't come to close you might catch it. shrug whats left. i want to run away and escape. no one is probalby going ot read this i just need to vent to someone or something i need to get my feelings out on paper. i need to scream although it only makes me feel partially better. I feel like the only time i do write is when i am upset. when something has gone horribly wrong. I feel like i carry so much drama. I want to push that away from my life. And i do but then i have the people who tell me don't supress what you are feeling. I dont want to feel that way. I dn't want to be a drama queen. More than anythign else i kinda don't want to care. I sometimes wish I didn't feel things. I wish i could make my own happiness that i dind' thave to rely on people to keep me entertained, that i didn't have to rely on people to make me feel loved. but i do I forgive to easily i know that but it is because I am afraid that if i dont i will lose the person forever. yes yes it is okay if you walk all over me... sure sure i don't mind... don't worry about not calling me.. if we make plans for weeks feel no obligation once so ever to fulfill those plans... I understand you have more important things to do... I feel trapped in this pattern of life. make friends, trust friends, get hurt. I am not saying tha ll my friends are awful people. Not true, but I am saying that they have all hurt me. I have probalby hurt them as well. thats the thing though i am tyring not to be that person anymore. GOD WHAT AM I LIVING FOR??? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. i mean some people in life want to be rich, have a great job, this and this i just want to be loved.
Current Music: girl anachronism
23 September 2007 @ 01:09 am
Yes in order of Importance...
Or Gift card so i can buy the books myself and then we wont get mixed up. LOL
Wyvernhail - Amelia Atwater Rhodes
Eclipse- Stephanie Meyer
Kushiel's Chosen -Jacqueline Carey
Kushiel's Avatar
Kushiel's Justice
Kushiel's Scion
The Sweet Far Thing- Libby Bray
28 May 2007 @ 09:32 pm
No one writes in these things anymore but i figure i might was well write down my feelings. I don't know i honestly haven't been so depressed in such a long time and I don't think anyone notices. I try to put on a happy face and have fun but i am not happy and rarely are. I am truely alone I have decided this and I have also decided I always will be alone because no matter who i get close to they will always leave me it is a circle that never fails. I am not writing this for people to feel bad for me I am just stating the facts as I see them. I don't actualy car if people do read this or acknowledge my existance. I mean honestly i am rarely ever invited anywhere do I honestly have such a personality flaw that no one ever wants to hang out with me. People wonder why i work so much it is because i have nothing else to do because no one ever wants to spend time with me. People get to knwo me and then poof thats it they slowly begin pulling away it happens everytime. I told Melissa this when we first started going out she promised me there were people out there who were different. I have yet to meet one. Honestly I am just someone to be used. Mostly because my mom is never home so I have a good house for people to come on over. Or better yet Ihave a car and can drive I am willing to be a cover for my friends. See thats about all i am good for tho. This isn't about personal attacks so i wont say things i am thinking. But right now i feel sick to my stomach I am tired of people lying to me why can't you just tell me the fucking truth. Or does everyone jsut get akick out of hurting me. why am i always there for people and i am the one who gets jilted. Well who cares i don't i know what graduaction to all my friends was it was a relief so they could get rid of me. i am just a burden i am realized it. Sorry for burdening you all with my existance.
Current Mood: apatheticfriendless
08 April 2007 @ 09:29 pm
The dreams I dream when I close my eyes

Beauty and grace haunt my thoughts

The one, the only, the love I seek

A dark silohette impressed upon my mind

Mesmorized and Hypnotized by the night

The stars dont even come close

A kiss, a whisper, a secret love

A ghost that creeps through the shadows

Silver thread that connects two souls

Fire burning intensly within

Unable to breath, to sleep, to live

Chasing the one who holds my heart

An angel of darkness, An angel of Light

A voice that heals all pain

A passions play, a mask, a new life

A painted life that is full of love.
11 November 2006 @ 04:23 pm
Wake up to a sunny day
not a cloud up in the sky,
then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground, And they shatter all around.
So open and exposed.

I found strength in the struggle. Face to face with my trouble.

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in your self. When you're broken.

Little girl don't be so blue, I know what you're goin through. Don't let it beat you up. Heaven knows that getting scars only makes you who you are...only makes you who you are.

No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking....yeeeaaaahhh

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken.

Better days are gonna find you once again every piece will find its place!

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. don't you stop believin in your self When you're broken.

2 days until the 2 month anniversary and the pain still hasn't subsided.
Current Mood: sadBroken
23 August 2006 @ 08:00 pm
I have decided that i no longer want to feel anymore. That way i can't be hurt. I dont want to feel love. I dont want to fall madly in love with someone to have them hurt me. I dont want to feel jealously, I dont want to feel anger. I dont want to feel sadness. Is happiness just an illusion we use to try and make us feel better. I dont even want to feel that because it automatically leads to sadness and disappointment. Why can't i just go throughout life feeling nothing at all that way I will never be let down. All I am really missing out on is the heartbreak. Love is such a wonderful thing that brings you such horrible emotions. I want to become unfeeling in everyway possible. Then people wont think i am jealouse, possessive, needy, annoying, sensitive. Nothing would matter and that is the way that i like it. Everything that matters winds up hurting you in the end.
Current Mood: blahEMOTIONLESS
05 August 2006 @ 12:00 am
01. I have a cell phone
02. I have a computer
03. I'm the youngest child
04. I am a chocoholic
05. I love earrings
06. I love black eyeliner
07. I love summer
08. I love the weekends
09. I can't live without lipgloss & chapstick
10. I can't live without music
11. I lived in Tahoe
12. I spend money I have
13. I like to visit Africa
14. I love my designer handbag(s)
15. I get annoyed easily
16. I want kids when I grow up
17. I loved the Backstreet Boys
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi
20. I am a person
21. My first kiss was unexpected
22. I start school on Jan 4th or 5th
23. I love taking pictures
24. I hate girls who are fake
25. I can be mean when I want to
26. My dreams are bizzare
27. I am bisexual
28. I have over ten pairs of shoes
29. I've seen Shes All That at least 50 times
30. I dress how I feel that day
31. I love Charmed
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason
33. I hate when people are ridiculously late
34. I procrastinate
35. Winter is one of my favorite seasons
36. Summer is one of my favorite seasons
37. I love to run
38. I can be dumb
39. I watch Bachelorette
40. I live for William hung
41. No one knows my full story of my life
42. I like my hair
43. I sometimes fight with my parents
44. I love the beach
45. I have had the chicken pox
46. I'm excited for the future
47. I can't control my emotions
48. I can't wait till New Year's
49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'
50. I love my friends
51. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays
52. I can be insecure sometimes
53. I have had a broken bone
54. I hate ignorant people
55. I like Justin Timberlake
56. I love guys that play the guitar
57. I state the obvious
58. I'm a happy person
59. I love to dance
60. I love to sing
61. I hate cleaning my room
62. I tend to get jealous very easily
63. I like to play video games
64. I love John Mayer
65. I hate when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef
67. I don't like to study for tests
68. I love my family
69. I am too forgiving
70. I have a good sense of direction
71. I love high school
72. I have a boyfriend
73. I don't drink enough to get drunk
74. I am spoiled
75. I love the color blue
76. I don't sew
77. I am not addicted to drugs
78. I love the Olsen twins
79. I'm going to try out for the softball team
80. I become stressed easily
81. I hate liars
82. I like comfy sweatpants
83. I hate dumb cheerleaders
84. I love the smell of fresh laundry
85. My hair is still its natural color
86. I paint my toe nails.
87. I get annoyed when I don't get to finish telling a story
88. I like to wear pink
89. Sometimes I wish I could do something really, really amazingly well
90. I drink a lot of water
91. I've never taken a hit of a cigarette
92. I like big things
93. I'm such a health freak
94. I love eating
95. I have really tiny wrists.
96. I can identify some close friends by smell
97. I'm far too nice
98. I hate when people confuse "your" & "you're"
99. I think dorkiness is attractive
100. I've never had a fake screen name
101. I wish I had a pug
102. I miss middle school
103. I love people w/ a lot of sense of humor
104. I have a hard time making up my mind sometimes
105. I wish my hair was naturally curled
106. I love standing out
107. I wish I could sing well
108. I like classical music
109. Striped pants are hot
110. I think Schylar is a really cool name
111. I usually don't get sarcasm
112. I wish I could look in a mirror & constantly be satisfied with myself
113. I shift between being sleepy & awake when I'm really tired
114. I hardly ever vaccuum
115. I hate racism
116. I want him to hold me
117. I like watermelon flavored things
118. I'm a snob about grammar
119. I am a terrible liar
120. Old Spice deoderant smells WONDERFUL
121. I wish I knew how to speak in Italian
122. This "100 things about myself" list is harder than it looks
123. I am learning to be happy wherever I am
124. I have no idea what my school musical is about
125. I appreciate honesty
126. I need a manicure
127. I love Dr.Pepper
128. I twirl my hair
129. I love kissing
130. I have too much clothes for my closet
131. I want to learn to play harp
132. I'm not old enough to vote
133. I live in the past far too much
134. I need to remember to be a teenager sometimes
135. I want to see most of the world
136. Sometimes I wonder what's going on over in London
137. I hate being lied to
138. I believe in a thing called love
139. I go shopping usually once a week
140. Today is Wednesday
141. I've read more than a 100 books
142. I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme
143. I like feet
144. I like being neat
145. I want the world to see me
146. I think it's funny when girls wear so much makeup that their faces become incandescent
147. I hate seeing kids/people that think they're different because they like Slipknot, etc. and shop at Hot Topic
148. I have a fear of wearing too much perfume
149. I wear pants more than I wear shorts
150. I am tactful most of the time
151. I'm afraid of spiders.
152. I get too attached to some people
153. I'm usually on time
154. I forgive but I don't forget
155. I think way too much for my own good
156. My current relationship is teaching me a lot
157. I like salads from McDonalds
158. I read for at least an hour every night before bed
159. I talk to a lot of people I don't like because I hate being rude
160. I sing in the shower
170. Laughing turns me on
171. I wish I were asleep
172. I love reeses peanutbutter cups
173. I never have enough energy to do what I'm doing
174. I love fast food.
175. I sang in front of crowds.
176. I'm shy around teachers.
177. I am very happy.
178. I am single.
179. Talking is my hobby.
180. I had atleast 10 pets in my whole life.
181. I love chocolate.
182. I'm an A student.
183. I have a favorite TV show.
184. My binder/notebook is very neat.
185. I cheated on my test before.
186. I care about what I eat.
187. I drive my whole family nuts.
188. My hair is brown.
189. I shop for hours and hours.
190. I go shopping every week.
191. I'm very popular.
192. I hate someone.
193. I love someone.
194. I like school sometimes.
195. My favorite color is black.
196. I am perfectly comfortable with knowing that I will eventually die.
197. Your crushes name starts with a J
198. I hate cold showers.
199. I'm very lazy.
200. The best thing about a guy is his personality.
201. I like Garlic Bread.
202. I love taking pictures.
203. I love the way I look.
204. I like taking my time.
205. I dont know how to play pool.
206. I hate it when people judge others without knowing them.
207. I love to flirt
208. I have a few bestfriends and one of them has a name that starts with a Y.
209. I was just on the phone.
210. Stupid people piss me off.
211. Stupid people amuse me.
212. I lost my cell twice.
213. I like to memorize different kind of lyrics.
214. I drank alcohol before.
215. I wrote my crushes name 10000x on a piece of paper.
216. I kissed a guy.
217. I wanna play the guitar.
218. I never dyed my hair.
219. I like babies.
220. I play the piano
221. I was born in July.
222. I love board games.
223. I can easily sleep even tho I'm not tired.
224. I sleep most of my times.
225. I have more then one ear pierced.
226. I hate spanish class.
227. I speak more then one language.
228. I have 1 brother.
229. I want to get a haircut.
230. I'm bored.
231. I want a backyard.
232. I want to become a doctor.
233. I'm good at drawing.
234. I love my handwriting.
235. I play the drums.
236. I get into trouble alot.
237. I just ate a sandwich.
238. I check my email everyday.
239. I'm a nerd.
240. I'm desperate for a b/f.
241. My favorite word is hate.
242. I curse alot.
243. I want a vacation.
244. I love winter.
245. I want my name to be angel.
246. I am very hyper.
247. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
248. I don't watch much TV these days
249. I love broccoli
250. I love sleeping
251. I have loads of books
252. I once slept in a toilet
253. I love playing video games
254. I adore marijuana
255. I watch porn movies
256. I watch "one tree hill"
257. I like sharks
258. I love spiders, they are adorable, especially the ones with bright colors on their backs
259. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
260. I like George W. Bush as a good president
261. People are cool
262. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
263. I have a Toyota and a pool
264. I have a lot to learn
265. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
266. I'm really, really smart
267. I've never broken someone's bones
268. I have a secret
269. I hate rain
270. I drink health juice
271. Punk rock rules
272. I hate bill gates
273. I love vietnamese food
274. I would hate to be famous
275. I am not a morning person
276. I have semi-long hair
277. I have short hair
278. I have potential
279. I'm pure afghan
280. My legs are two different sizes
281. I have a twin
282. I wear those long ass socks
283. I can roll my tongue
284. I like the way that I look
285. I'm obsessed with italian food
286. I know how to french braid
287. I can be pessimistic or optimistic whenever I want
288. I have a lot of mood swings
289. I skateboard/snowboard
290. I think that skateboarders are hot
291. I'm in a band
292. I have talent
293. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
294. I think that I'm popular
295. I am currently single
296. I can swim
297. My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
298. I practically live on the computer
299. I love to shop
300. I would classify myself as either punk or goth
301. I would classify myself as ghetto...thats a joke by the way
302. I'm a prep, shop at abercrombie/american eagle, and admit it
303. I'm obsessed with my xanga
304. I don't hate anyone
305. I know how to square dance
306. I have a unibrow
307. I'm completely embarassed to be seen with my mom
308. I have a cell phone
309. I believe in god
310. I watch mtv on a daily basis
311. I know how to play the tuba
312. I need coffee to live
313. I have had a boyfriend before
314. I've rejected someone before
315. I currently like someone and they have no idea that I like them
316. I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life
317. I want to have kids when I get older
318. I have changed a diaper before
319. I've called the cops on a friend before
320. I bite my nails
321. I am a member of the hilary duff fan club
322. I'm not allergic to anything
323. I love broadway plays, and have been to at least 3
324. I have no idea who the 38th president was
325. I plan on seeing mary kate and ashley's new movie
326. I am completely shy around the opposite sex
327. I'm online 24/7
328. I have at least 25 away messages saved
329. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
330. I loved rush hour
331. I've read all of the harry potter trilogy
332. If I were a dwarf, I would be dopey
333. When I was a kid I played with g.i. joe
334. I dont mind country music
335. I would die for my friends
336. I think that juicy fruit is the best type of gum
337. I watch soap operas whenever I can
338. I'm paranoid
339. I would love to own a porshe when I grow up
340. I love the beatles.. they're classic
341. I know all the words to 'what's my age again'
342. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
343. I watch spongebob squarepants and I like it.
344. I like watching movies
345. I sleep with a doll
346. I've pulled an all-nighter before
347. I've cheated on my boy/girlfriend before
348. I want this damned thing to be over!
349. I'm happy
04 August 2006 @ 08:39 pm
1st- Ap Euro King
2nd- Adv.Alg/Trig Peavyhouse
3rd- Brit Lit SPENCER
4th- French 3 Hughey
5th- Adv.1 Drama Spearman
6th- Economics Melvin

Does anyone know what kind of teacher Peavyhouse is. Other than that my schedule rocks. Except for the fact that my Ap Class is first but I am happy otherwise. WOO
Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: Next Contestant ~ Nickleback